heart of hearts

tears leak through the cracks in a closed heart of hearts, the closed heart that was buried and forgotten within my heart.
the heart of hearts that lives beneath layers and layers of self;
layers of self feeling less and less real each day.
watery pain and hurt that once felt hard, now feel soft; once disguised as cold and hard now revealed: a young weeping child within me yearning to be known and loved.
waters, break open the shell, that my heart be all i am;
not enclosed, not encased, but free, naked, moving, flowing, water.

In Lak'ech

I have always had difficulty allowing my light to shine as brightly as it really can. In fact, I really don't even know what it feels like to stand in my soul's luminescence for longer than a few days. Being a highly sensitive and energetic person, I can feel how light makes so many people feel dark and small, and how seeing another person's power can often cause people to make a judgment that arises from a fear of expressing their own power. I believe that I have spent my whole life trying to dim my light and turn off my power so that I can feel "normal". Seeing myself as "empathic" really shifts the way I perceive my experiences, because so much of what I have always felt and assumed were my own feelings have actually been my own experience of what others are feeling.

Like many Indigo children, I grew up feeling quite different from other kids. Although I did not have any context or language to see it at the time, I always felt the wisdom in my own spirit, with a set of moral standards for how beings should treat one another. These values guided me to the path that I am on, but also led me to feel left out and Mother-like among my friends who preferred to gossip and treat one another carelessly. Wondering what was wrong with me, I tried desperately to fit in, although I never abandoned the compass that lived in my heart and always guided me to live as the earth angel that I Am.

From the outside, most people are probably surprised to learn that I am dimming my light, since it would appear that I have never turned off the love that springs from within me. Like most Lightworkers, I have no difficulty in giving love to others. Rather, the struggle I have is in giving this love to myself. Oh, the emotional rollercoasters I have put myself on in order to be distracted from truly rising and living in my Divine Light. I developed a very penetrating fear of egotism, which I have used regularly as a way of sabotoging my evolution into living as my Higher Self, as we are all meant to.

The road to this revelation has been filled with signs and guidance. Many people have sensed that I am afraid of my power, and called me on it. Of course it always helped me to make a positive movement forward, but I have always found that real shifts happen for me when I have a clear and coherent understanding of things. I have lately received several signs and intuitive ideas, all of which are telling me that it is time for me to learn to be more comfortable with my spiritual power; that I must stop shying away from it and learn to see that shining my light makes the world brighter for everyone.

Although I could look at the fears that once held me back as barriers, I am choosing to see them as teachers. My fear of being "different" has taught me to look past the surface energy of any single person--the manifestation of their own perception of who they are--to see the divine light that shines within them--who they truly are. My fear of egotism has taught me that all spiritual power comes from the Divine, and that I heal and shine as a spiritual being who is truly one with God. I choose to perceive my fears as serving a purpose. I choose to move beyond the duality of fear and love, knowing that they can be brought together in balance. These fears have have pulled me back like the elastic in a slingshot, teaching me and preparing me to be set forth into the Light of the universe so that I can live as the love and bliss that is my true nature, and welcome others to live in this place with me.

Blessings, blessings, blessings....In Lak'ech - I am another you. May you see that we are the same. May you always bask in the beauty of your own reflection, as you fall in love with the light that you see in the eyes of another soul.

In great love and infinite gratitude,

~Becca Moon*

i am love

i love my walks in calloused bare feet. skipping, meandering, greeting trees, twirling, stopping for spontaneous asanas. tiptoe-ing about the gravel,sighing in gratitude and relief when the gravel path turns to dark, flat, smooth dirt
and her cool, soft earth-love hugs my feet and toes. i feel her energy rise up through me to my soul star; a soft caress that says I Love You over and over again.
she knows my name, and i know hers too...mama earth.

although she will meet me anywhere,i have a favourite meeting place. it is nestled behind the street where my home is, where i have lived for 23 years. my roots are deep here, and in this place, the trees, plants, and I need no introduction. sometimes i plant small pink rose quartz crystals in the earth at the foot of the tree who gave me a much-needed hug, or a piece of chocolate in a discrete place where only the fairies can find it. yes, i am of the earth. this sacred remembrance is no longer just a memory, but a present reality that really is a gift.

and just as much as i walk the dirt trails of the forest, i also walk the path to understanding. it is not unlike the paths in the forest. rough, hilly, unpleasant at times. then suddenly, relieving, loving, calming, soft, gentle...for a while. yes... every time i think i've got it all figured out, the universe picks me up, turns me upside down and shakes me, all the pieces coming apart and falling to the ground in a disarray. when it happened over and over again, i began to wonder... perhaps the lesson is not to make sense of it all, but to realize that i know nothing. except, maybe, that i am love. i am loved. i love.

because in those moments when nothing seems to make sense, i run in tears to my mama. earth mama, that is. if nothing else, i know she loves me, that she is always there, and that in her love i can be both lost, and found too. for losing myself in her arms means becoming love. being one with love. and the sacred remembrance is reignited: love is all i am, love is all there is, love is all there ever will be.

so my loves, my message to you is: enjoy being lost. it means you are one step closer to being found.

~*~

"Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God."
-A Course in Miracles

fall.

"The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is there’s no ground. ~ Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoch

to let go is to trust. having faith that in allowing myself to float freely downstream, i will be taken exactly where i need or desire to be. wait....did i say "need or desire," as though the terms could be used interchangeably? that's not right...or is it?

in my experience, i have found that what i desire and what i need can often be two very different, if not opposite, things. this is probably because i have some difficulties with control, and also because often the things i fear are really the things i need most.

on a surface level, i might *desire* to have control over a situation... to be able to avoid the things that i am afraid of. in truth, however, what i really desire, on a much deeper level, is to be free of my fears. and so, what i really *need* is to be given a situation that is scary to me, which provides the opportunity for me to face these fears. very recently, i was given this opportunity, and i took it. what happened was possibly one of the most freeing, humbling, and beautiful experiences i've ever had. to be honest, the trust thing is a lifelong lesson for me, but i am letting it flow and it feels good.... *gulp*... but still scary... kind of like falling through the air with no parachute. *wink*

i am sure that there have been countless instances in which this downstream free-floating has taken me to beautiful places, but it is hard for me to come up with examples of times when i've completely submitted control to the universe when the situation was of any real importance to me. but in my recent trust-ventures, naked freefalling has shown me that the outcome is always nothing like i planned, and nothing i ever could have planned. what would our lives be like if we just sent our most precious dreams and deepest desires into the ethers, let go of them, and allowed the electric current of the stream to take us there? sweet relief! life is not only easy, but it is GLORIOUS!!!

so every day i say to myself..... let go.
you are safe. you are loved. everything you want is downstream, and you don't need paddles. the current will take you there.

look and see

for me, meditation is
like working through a knot.
you sit with yourself
letting it be what it is,
continuously feeling its presence:
without judgment,
just awareness.

and often, just by being there
clarity comes to meet you
and you work out the knot,
moment by moment,
as curiosity moves you
to understanding.

sitting peacefully
before the window to your soul
and pulling back the curtains.

teacher

i've collected books and stories
stepped in footprints of those before me
i've groped in the corners of paths
taken by others on their quests

but the language was foreign,
the way was poorly lit
and i wondered perhaps,
if i would ever find it

my answer, the teacher
who speaks to my soul
who answers my questions
who makes me feel whole

discouraged, i stopped
for a much-needed rest
but like any true seeker,
i kept giving my best

and finally after searching
in the trees and the sand
the most beautiful lotus bloomed
in the palm of my hand

and i knew, in my heart
of all the places i'd been
that the teacher i'd been searching for
was dwelling within.

she illumined my path
a few steps at a time
and i knew with her guidance
that i would be fine

for i found in my heartbeat
my very own song:
a whole universe within me
had been there all along.

mirror me you

the oneness of which we are all a part
lends itself to the analogy that
we are all mirrors.

and while i know in my heart that this is true,
i can't help but wonder,
can i really be so perfect and beautiful,
trusting, loving and caring, such as the being that i see when i look at you?
could that really be me, too?

just when i thought your light couldn't get any brighter,
you came into my heart, filled it gently with your luminescence,
and lit up every once-dark corner of my being with your light.

slowly and with hesitation,
i stepped out of the way so that you could see my cobwebs.
one by one they came into your view.
eager to be loved, begging to be known.

and in this i have learned that
it is one thing to love yourself,
but entirely another to let someone love you.

for while we can identify our gifts and our lovable qualities,
and work hard to magnify them,
we are not truly loving ourselves if we stuff our shadows in the closet
and suffocate our fears.

a true love will bring them all to the surface.
and to be honest,
this process is far from easy.
it is terrifying.

but at that point when those hushed parts of yourself
come up from beneath the dark earth
to be held in the light of the sun,
your love will show you
that you are nothing short of pure, lovable beauty.

and you will know what it feels like
to be cradled in the arms of God.

the never-ending journey.

you know that moment after a particularly challenging or confusing phase of life where you finally come to meet understanding, and think to yourself, "okay life, i've got you figured out now" ? and you feel so free, and clear, and on top of the world? i do. it's a wonderful feeling. it feels like you've reached your destination. you're there. you made it.

with this insatiable passion for understanding i have, this moment is no stranger to me. which means i have also come to know the uncomfortable, questioning, lost, in-between moment that precedes it very well too. what i have noticed in myself and in others is that we all just want to hold on to the feeling of blissful understanding forever. but the thing is that, as long as we are incarnated in these bodies, on this earth plane, we have lessons to learn. this means that life in itself it is a journey in which we are constantly cycling through the purification of challenges, and renewal in the lessons they bring and the understanding that springs forth from this beautiful process.

i want to cultivate the ability to move through these challenges with trust. to not despair at my inability to make sense of things when life gets confusing. to know that nothing is lost in the eyes of God, and by following my heart, no matter where I am, my divine guidance will lead me back home. even more... to love and relish in the feeling of finding my way through the unknown and the sweeter-than-sweet feeling of finally finding what it is i am looking for. but this time, i sit in humbled gratitude and pray, "dearest god and goddess, i now know that i know nothing".


"Outside, the world I had watched for so long was living and breathing on the same earth I now was. But I knew I would not go out. I had taken this time to fall in love instead—in love with the sort of helplessness I had not felt in death—the helplessness of being alive, the dark bright pity of being human—feeling as you went, groping in corners and opening your arms to light—all of it part of navigating the unknown."
-Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

be like water

life happens. sometimes when i can feel my buzzy-high-i'm-so-full-of-love-i-don't-even-need-to-eat transforming into i'm-a-bit-lost-and-i'm-not-sure-what's-going-on, i get clingy. sometimes i am afraid to let go of the high, because i'm afraid of some of the patterns of my past, or maybe because i am afraid that letting go means saying good-bye rather than see you later. but when i take a moment to sit back, rise above and observe my thoughts and my life, i remember how many times i've told myself that i can trust the process of life. it's okay. everything is in perfect, divine order.

furthermore, i also believe that the spiritual path is not all sunshine and roses, but, if anything, it is about being authentic. i am human. i make mistakes, i make judgments sometimes, and i can be a perfectionist and quite hard on myself from time to time. with mindfulness, i have learned to observe myself from an objective place where i've caught many little blunders in thinking; too much thinking often being the greatest of them all. but guilt has no place here - because i know that catching myself in these moments is just another opportunity to be more loving, accepting, and true to my highest self. it's not the error in thinking or feeling, but what we do with it that matters. i am learning to be okay with falling down; seeing it as an opportunity to love myself even more, to experience unconditional self-love, to create even more space for compassion and empathy in my heart.

"...and when i feel like this, i still love me."

please enjoy this poem i found today...

Be like water,
mysterious,
elusive to the grasping touch,
persistently gentle
in eroding the unyielding,
flexible in entering
where nothing solid can block
its curious searching,

So mutably soft,
safe from harm
or being destroyed
in simply changing form
and returning again,
overtime,
overcoming the hard,

Steady drip, drip, drip
of resolute kindness
becoming a large lake of serenity,
a reservoir
where evil cannot enter,

Be like water,
flowing everywhere,
gushing, sometimes shooting,
aerated, slippery, and pure,
wherever,
containing a message of spiritual reverence
nourishing thirsty souls
with regenerating sustenance,
even in the midst
of world-wide sorrow,

Be like water,
with strength
so like the Tao,
you get it
by relaxing into the river,
and letting go.


-Gordon Neumann

Many blessings to you*~
In Lak'ech ~ I am another you.

my heart.

my heart is heavy with love for you,
that i am afraid i must withhold.
i don't know if i can trust myself, for my expression is more than just a freeing of the delicate bird living in this cage.
it is a request for a home within your heart, and, an offer to make a home for you within mine, again.
no one else has moved in since you left,
and, to be honest,
i really do not think i will ever want to share the secret spaces of this heart-home with anyone other than you.
i've never wanted to have to draw a map for anyone, and you never needed one.
that's how i know that you belong here.

is it possible that i could love you so much, that i don't even want to tell you for fear that the re-opening of that storybook could perhaps be to your detriment?
i know that the story is not over, and i am not one to leave stories unfinished.
but can you forgive me for postponing the unfolding of its pages?
you know i always fall asleep in the middle of these things.

so now i dance to my heart's song on tip-toes.

i want to tell you how beautiful you are to me every day.
i want to learn to see God in everything as i discover beauty in unexpected places within you.
i want to merge our inner worlds, hold hands and squish our bare toes into the muddy paths of our hearts during life's rainstorms.
i want to believe for myself that i am as beautiful as you've always known,
and i want to witness love's bounty by burning through my resistance to your love.
for in this purification i know i will find and know only my truest self, my home, my haven, my heart.

a conversation with my higher self

Sometimes when I am struggling with an odd or uncomfortable feeling or emotion, I need to sit down and have a conversation with myself. I always thought that the answers I found in these moments miraculously came from within me, but now I see that it is all coming through me, as I align myself with the One Universal Mind. It makes much more sense to me now, to understand that all of this wisdom I somehow just happened to have came from my all-knowing, higher self, and from my angels.

This morning I needed a little guidance, so I opened up my journal and put pen to paper. The message that came out is something that I have learned many times before, but seemed to have forgotten. It's funny, though, because this message was written with my hand but it felt like it was being directed to me, from...me, and yet, from something greater. My higher self. When I clear my mind, all the answers I need are available to me as long as I ask for them and quietly listen. And I think that writing is one of my clearest channels for receiving these messages. Here is the message I received today.

Most importantly: accept what you feel, and accept yourself for feeling it. Do not judge yourself. Emotions happen; they are fluid and ever-changing, always in motion. Rejecting them creates dissonance and fear because it alienates you from yourself and your experience. Instead, lovingly look the emotion in the eye and ask what it has come to teach you. Learn to love each and every emotion you experience, because it will likely return to you again sometime, and it is better to flow through it and see its blessings and lessons than to force it to leave and fear its return.

Approach your emotions and your weeds with love and curiosity, and without judgment; without getting attached or worrying that they are permanent. Trust in the process of life and know that all is well. Bask in the perfect love that is you, right now.

One perfect love in every moment.
Om shanti*~

home-sick.

Sometimes when I think of you, I wonder about the world on the other side of the door we did not open. Will we open that door some other time, in a far off future, another dimension than this, complete what we started on that luminous night? There is more to say, though we have not the language. There is more to see, though we have not the eyes. There is more to love, though we have not the heart....

As yet, my love. As yet. For I believe in the power of love, and the magnetic draw of planets to their orbits. And you are drawn to encircle me as I am drawn to encircle you. Encircle each other we will forever, for our orbits are bound to one another's pull. The central sun has determined that, and its light, however dim or however bright, however central to our vision or merely peripheral and at times ignored, shall always call us back to our hearts. And back at home, in the haven of love, we will always find each other. I will be there, if only for a moment, and I will say to you, each and every time, "I remember, my darling. This is home to me."
~Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love

Love a Woman

Well... it has been quite a while since I have shared on my blog. I think it's time for a new, wee entry. YAY! I have missed you, bloggie.

I logged on here because I wanted to post a beautiful, touching poem that was forwarded to me yesterday by an amazing soul friend I have named Shane. Of course, this poem came at the perfect time, and contains within it many lessons for me that are astoundingly appropriate for the things I am learning right now. My angels told me to pay close attentions to signs and divine guidance, and I thank Mr. Shane for listening to his intuition and sending this to me... he is a wonderful spirit messenger!

We often think that the only relationships worth having are the easy ones, the ones in which it's always easy for us to love the person, easy to communicate, easy to connect, easy to understand. We only want people in our lives with whom we feel good, valued, and who make us feel as special as we know we are. I know that I once had this perception. What I have been learning lately is that many of the challenges we find in our relationships; the issues we recognize in other people - are our lessons. Every relationship has a purpose, and in the face of such challenges we have the choice of either finding and healing a part of ourselves, or ignoring and losing a part of ourselves. What I mean by this is, every little thing that is hard for us to deal with in others is almost always something within ourselves that we are unable to love and accept unconditionally, and when we hit a wound like this, it often feels impossible to love any more. When we find this in a relationship, we are given the opportunity to find that part of ourselves, cradle it in our gentle hands, tell it we love and accept it, and, if necessary, release it to our divine healing light.

I do not mean that we must take responsibility for everything that other people do that may be hurtful or misguided, but that we DO need to take responsibility for our own feelings in response to it. I hope this is making sense! hehe.

So, why all this, what's going on with me? Well, I have begun to really appreciate how blessed I am to have the most beautiful, amazing man in my life who has loved me right from the start, through and through, and continues to love me unconditionally even though we are no longer "together" in the traditional sense of the word. I don't know how and when our relationship will change form, what it is becoming, what any of this means, but I am following my heart, knowing that it is guided by a force that keeps the planets aligned. Surely it can lead this little heart-moon-beam to the people who will grow most beautifully with her blessings, and from whose blessings she will also grow. Surely, there is a divine plan for her that is so much grander than anything her human mind could conjure. Surely, God would not tell her that she has this beautiful, wonderful purpose without taking care of the "how". I trust in my heart, I trust in the abundance of the universe, and I trust in the knowingness and lovingness of All-That-Is.

For the most wonderful man I know, who proves to me every day that it is possible to be made completely of light and love, this poem:::

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

-Lisa Citore

*Love & Light* ~ Angel Blessings ~

heart-change

Spirit in motion,
those meddling hands
have rearranged the pieces,
and I can’t understand

why things are changing,
which way I should go
it all felt so perfect,
but now I don’t know

where my path leads me,
for something has changed
now the idea of us, together
feels strange

Perhaps it’s my ego,
could that be the cause?
Or is it just my habit,
to find myself flawed?

I need to stop repressing
and honour how I feel
resistance and denial, I know
won’t change what’s real

so spirit whispers in my ear,
that I must speak my truth,
with no attachment to outcome
so I speak, unattached and aloof

see, part of me is still with you
but part has gone astray
‘part‘ is not enough for us, though
‘part’ is not okay

we must bid farewell that heart-held dream
and go on our own separate ways
reminded, again, that nothing is permanent
yet crying for love that stays

I know that I must seem distant and callous,
but it’s not compassion I lack
it hurts so much that when you most need me
I can’t help from turning my back

I cry when I cradle your feelings
but I know they don’t change what is real
in time I know we will understand,
in time, I know we will heal

for now, though, I let the pain fill me up
open my heart, let it out, and rest
despite the pain, I know following my heart
for both of us, is best.

I’ll never regret that we fell so hard
into love with our souls shining bright
I am grateful for love, whether it comes to visit
for a season, a reason, or a night.