The best friends I had as a child were not really friends at all. From those first relationships, I came to believe that my vulnerabilities would always be judged and laughed at, and that my deepest secrets, if shared, would later be used to make me feel small and embarrassed, to make me the butt of a joke. I believed that there were things about me that were so strange or unlovable that I had to forever keep them hidden. I learned that isolation was the only way to stay safe. And for years, in those wounded places, over and over again, I said 'No' to the Love that was radiated purely and genuinely from the hearts of true friends.
My purpose in sharing this is really not to berate those friends for how they treated me. I know that we all do the best we can with what we have, and that the worse the behaviour, the deeper the pain. However, it is still true that my hurting and wounded inner children who were friends with those girls, continued to be a part of my energetic composition, and that the beliefs I developed as a result of those relationships continued to play a role in my life.
Eventually, I grew too aware and too tired of living in distrust and protecting my self-esteem in the presence of others. I knew that the fear that lived in me was raised from a foundation of false friendships. I longed to let others into my inner world without being on guard for their judgments. I wanted to be free of the dark voices that lived in my wounds. I wanted to really feel the love that was given to me, and to truly believe that every part of me was worthy of that love.
Thank Heavens for Healers. Almost every day, I thank Spirit for Tanis. As a Healer, Teacher, and Mentor, Tanis has helped me not only to heal my wounds, but to illuminate them with the Love and Light of Spirit. From our relationship, I have learned that there is absolutely nothing about me that is unlovable. She lives in and radiates the pure and unconditional love of Spirit, and from her shining example I know that I too can become so deeply aligned with my true spiritual nature while also being grounded on earth in the physical reality.
Having come to her with all the wishes and longings I'd been feeling, Tanis guided me through a massive healing in which I was able to call forth all my wounded inner children who knew those girls, and empower and heal them by getting them reconnected with Spirit. In the healing I released the false beliefs through the ability to see that my mean friends were also deeply wounded, and that their unkind words and behaviours came from an unloved -and as a result, unloving- place, desperately seeking gratification in whatever form seemed to hold that potential. My inner children learned that they had the power to choose which friends they believed they deserved, and to choose not to surround themselves with people who hurt them. They were affirmed and supported in their feelings that they are important and worthy of friends who are as loving as they are. Then I called in the energies of some of my current friends, whose presence I knew would show my inner children how loving friends can be. It would take far too much time and space here to relay all the details of our session, but I hope it will suffice to say that all those patterns and beliefs were simply gone.
Tanis and I were both in awe at the end of our session. I felt so fresh and new. And now, almost as though it is for the first time, I am stepping out into the world of intimate, trusting relationships and letting my friends into my inner world. I am intentionally laying down brand new love-infused beliefs and patterns related to relationships. And after all those years I spent avoiding close relationships, days before my 24th birthday, I am rejoicing to see that real divine love can be shared and reflected through people. Finally, I am able to clearly see how deeply and unconditionally my friends love me, and how there are people in my world who I can really trust.
Today I was feeling rather sensitive and introverted, so I decided to cancel some plans I made with my friend Tyler despite feeling worried he might be offended. He replied by saying he totally understood, everything is okay, and that he feels it's important to honour one's true feelings. I wrote Sasha that I could use some love and he sang a song for me on my answering machine. I asked Chantelle to meet me for a smoothie and some girl time and she came at the drop of a hat. Later she wrote me to say thank you for the smoothie and the talk, and that I am a true blessing in her life. It is incredible to me that reciprocal giving in my relationships is so natural and effortless that I don't even realize it's happening. I feel like I am always receiving, and yet I am always giving too. Weeks ago I cried to my friend Adrienne, saying that after years of trying to be someone others wanted, I didn't know who I was, and she said, "I know who you are. I have seen every possible side of you and I still think you're the most beautiful, powerful woman I know." Adam, who used to be my lover and is now an incredibly close friend, told me immediately when he began developing feelings for someone new, just to respect me and make sure I felt comfortable. We hugged and released each other.
I cried tonight when I realized that the friends of my dreams are right here, and that I am the person I've always longed to be. I didn't have to change who I am, I only had to release the beliefs that who I am isn't good enough. I am attracting friends who are as loving to me as I to them.
The only thing I feel I have left to say is Thank You, to my Friends, and to Spirit. I pray to live and reflect more and more divine love in my relationships with each new day. May we all receive the millions of 'I Love You's' that come our way each day, through even the simplest of gestures. May we all know how it feels to have an open, flowing heart.
"Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let the best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet