Monday, December 29, 2008


people and love are essential to human growth. why, then, do i always try to move through my days in solitude while feeling that something essential is missing? oh yes, love, silly!

i used to say that i was "newly single", but by now it has been almost six months and i feel like the only way i can make it out there is by taking baby steps. instead of surrounding myself with beautiful people and distracting activity, i decided to spend my time in isolation. my intuitions told me that i needed to focus my energy inward, because, well, i was lost. i no longer had anyone to hide behind, and my self-image was so funked out of whack that i just couldn't face many people for too long.

normally i observe my emotional phases to last from a few hours to a few days to a week, tops. i understand and accept this now: i know that my body likes to jive with the moon, and i figure it's better to learn the groove and flow through it rather than resist. then there are seasons. i consider the past six months to have been a hibernation of sorts...i've faced my fear of aloneness and learned to name him solitude. i've made friends with night, tree, bird, and sun, and come to some kind of terms with my own impermanence in its ability to lead me to live wholeheartedly in the present.

i am ever grateful for what this season has brought to my consciousness, and also stand in awe at the changes that yoga has brought into my life. B.K.S. Iyengar said that the goal of yoga is to unite the individual self with the universal self. through yoga i can now access the answers to many of life's questions from within, and seek to continually recognize the connection and interdepence between self-and-nature.

a new friend laura explained to me that the introvert-extrovert self is like a battery. depending on your personal introvert/extrovert ratio, one aspect must be charged in order for you to feel complete and satisfied while basking in the other aspect. so if you are an introverted person, you probably need a lot of personal time to balance out the amount of time you spend socializing. and if you are an extrovert, you will require a lot of social contact in order to balance out the time you spend alone. this has lead me to think more and more about moving out from home in cambridge to kitchener or waterloo in order to surround myself with more people. it is difficult to stay in equilibrium without people around me, and i'm just itchin' to create a humble little home for myself where i can manifest a new reality without the negative energy that tends to float about in my present home. i am ready to recharge.

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