change: impossible to resist yet incredibly challenging to bring forth. if you are reading this, and you do not know already, you will soon learn about the little theme of becca's adventures battling the destructive dragon-self. in this i am fighting for acceptance and love of myself as is. i'm not sure if i am a late bloomer in this sense; i have grown up as a people-pleaser, possibly with a bit of an inferiority and/or guilt complex and a need for social approval. i have grown in volumes since i was a teenager, but still grapple with the pressures to return to the comfy-and-familiar mode in which i operated for so long.
some days i have incredible revelations that expand my mind to invite an entirely new reality that, at the time, seems to defeat the dragons. then i rest, oh-so-satisfied with myself for welcoming this new change and finding sudden enlightenment. oh, the ego. they say that the higher you go, the farther you fall...and you fall and fall and fall again. i suppose it's because we have these grand altering experiences that open portals into the superconscious, and well it's tough to assimilate such a thing into the everyday reality that we are used to. the point of all this is that it's really tough to change when your expectations are set so high. i guess you have to be gentle and compassionate with yourself and change little bits at a time to allow yourself to adjust.
two nights ago i went to a magical solstice gathering in an enchanted little home in kitchener (it's not actually little at all). up in the attic i was chatting with two lovely ladies, *adrienne and laura* and we got to talking about this stuff. in the movie A Beautiful Mind, John Nash is a genius mathematical wizard who struggles with schizophrenia but cannot function at his prime level while taking meds to neutralize his symptoms. he decides that he is going to try to fight the schizophrenia rather than take the meds. two of the voices he hears are manifested in the body of an imagined best friend/old "prodigal roommate" and a sweet little girl who is in his care. every time Nash sees and hears them, he has to face his dearest, closest best friend and a sweet little girl begging him not to turn away from them, saying anything they can to pull at his heart strings to prevent him from adandoning them.
seeking to change negative/undesirable patterns or habits is like saying goodbye to your best friend, the one to whom you are so deeply attached and with whom you are familiar and comfortable. you have to face this part of yourself that is like your best friend (yet really your nemesis) and tell her that you do not love her anymore, she is not your friend, and you have to let her go. in the beginning, you lack the strength to deny your best friend what she is asking for, and revert to the old and comfortable ways, heading down that same path that is so well-paved from being well-travelled and therefore easy to follow. that best friend is also careful to remind you that you better stick with her: she knows you best and you're not cut out for those other roads... nope. i can't quite say anything about what it's like to finally let her go, because i am not quite there yet. but i am inspired, and i think i just have to trust that freeing myself from her will open up my world, somehow.
in the film, when Martin asks Nash if the voices are gone he replies:
"I've gotten used to ignoring them and I think, as a result, they've kind of given up on me. I think that's what it's like with all our dreams and our nightmares, Martin, we've got to keep feeding them for them to stay alive."
on an additional note~ perhaps it helps simply to lighten up. Erleichda*
"Meditation is not doing anything to your violence, not doing anything to your jealousy, to your hate. It is simply bringing light into your house, and the darkness disappears." -Osho, Emotional Wellness.