:: is an ongoing journey and struggle riddled with tears, doubts, joys, revelations, and many footprints: those from my footsteps and from those i have allowed to trample upon my fragile self-esteem and willingness to give.
there are many difficulties i have faced in this effort, the two most salient being: 1) the guilt i often feel for using so much of my energy thinking about my feelings, my needs, my problems rather than channeling outwards with the knowledge that my problems do not stand up to those plaguing the world today; 2) the inner demons that interrupt the natural flow of energy, binding me to the illusions of this world and leading me to false and unhealthy conclusions about my own worth. i often think that #2 prevents me from overcoming #1, which is why i am sticking to the premise that i must look after myself before i can give genuinely to others.
my preoccupation with the workings of my heart and the feelings that swim about inside me may seem to some to be narcissistic and egotistical. i have faced these possibilities--i am indeed my own worst critic. yet through countless attempts i now accept and embrace that this is simply what i need to do in order to offer my best to you. one thing i have learned from the habits of nature is the concept of balance and equilibrium. so: i must sometimes be selfish in order to do selfless things... and i cannot be compassionate to others unless i am compassionate towards myself.
i am a part of nature: i can only really give as much as i receive, if i am to be healthy, bright-eyed, and sustained...
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." -The Beatles, Abbey Road