Thursday, January 8, 2009

why are you here?

sometimes when i wake up in the morning, i do this thing where i sit up in bed, think about my dreams and evaluate my post-dream-state ~state of mind. then i grab my journal and try to put into words the morning-frazzle of thoughts floating around in there, in effort to come to some kind of mindful awareness of where i am and what i'm feeling.

lately i have been thinking a lot about my comfort zone and my fears, and i can't help but notice that many of my dreams are filled with wonky little manifestations of my fears being fulfilled or overcome. sometimes they are deep-seated subconscious fears, like my old recurring dream where i am the only person in a fast-moving car, but stuck in the passenger's seat and unable to reach the brakes to make the car stop. other times they are just little scenarios about something i'm currently concerned about. either way, i like how i can later sort of 'witness' my dreams like an outsider and learn something about myself from them.

last night in my dreams i went to a yoga in constant motion class, and it was much less scary than i had anticipated-- although my dream didn't last long enough to play through the entire experience. no doubt this happened because i had yoga last night and my instructor told me that i should come to yoga in constant motion on thursday (tonight) to make up a missed class. my choice is between a level 2 class which may not be very challenging, or the constant motion class which will probably push me about as far as i can go. my level 3 class is usually enough of a challenge for me, so i'm a bit nervous about the constant motion class.

so...why does any of this matter? well... i suppose it has lead me to re-evaluate why i am doing yoga in the first place. make the question even more expansive: what am i doing here at all, since the yoga journey is inherently connected and paralleled with the life-journey. if it is for the ego, then all of my efforts are in vain, because as Ram Dass puts it, "as long as you have an ego, you are on a limited trip". i will not deny that my ego has a role, and i am glad that i am learning to recognize this now rather than later...since i sure have a long way to go and that ego is a real heavy piece of luggage to drag around.

it's time to step-up the ego-watching center and start thinking about intentionality: what am i doing here? what am i looking for? what do i hope to accomplish? why? shame and guilt are not feelings i wish to foster, however, so *self-compassion* is going to be key. love yourself first, and everything else will fall into place.

transcend transcend transcend~*

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