heart-change

Spirit in motion,
those meddling hands
have rearranged the pieces,
and I can’t understand

why things are changing,
which way I should go
it all felt so perfect,
but now I don’t know

where my path leads me,
for something has changed
now the idea of us, together
feels strange

Perhaps it’s my ego,
could that be the cause?
Or is it just my habit,
to find myself flawed?

I need to stop repressing
and honour how I feel
resistance and denial, I know
won’t change what’s real

so spirit whispers in my ear,
that I must speak my truth,
with no attachment to outcome
so I speak, unattached and aloof

see, part of me is still with you
but part has gone astray
‘part‘ is not enough for us, though
‘part’ is not okay

we must bid farewell that heart-held dream
and go on our own separate ways
reminded, again, that nothing is permanent
yet crying for love that stays

I know that I must seem distant and callous,
but it’s not compassion I lack
it hurts so much that when you most need me
I can’t help from turning my back

I cry when I cradle your feelings
but I know they don’t change what is real
in time I know we will understand,
in time, I know we will heal

for now, though, I let the pain fill me up
open my heart, let it out, and rest
despite the pain, I know following my heart
for both of us, is best.

I’ll never regret that we fell so hard
into love with our souls shining bright
I am grateful for love, whether it comes to visit
for a season, a reason, or a night.

things that make me smiley and twinkley-eyed

in the spirit of gratitude, i plan to begin my days with a meditative appreciation of the little things that make me happy.

in honour of a lovely friend-soul that just passed away two days ago, *miss beth* i have vowed to use my energy to focus on the gifts and sunshine in my life.

1. my friend will's beautiful music. check it: http://www.myspace.com/willfournier

2. people like will who remind us that we are free, connected, beautiful, and here to love each other.

3. kombucha. being slightly afraid of the little kombucha organism bobbing around in the tea, and then swallowing it anyways! :O

4. my little amethyst friends who hang out in my bedroom and keep everything fresh and clear. and all my other little crystal children too!

5. dirty bare feet.

*love & light*

*ker-plunK*

sometimes i just need an outlet. even if i'm not necessarily being creative, or productive, or positive, it's important for me to have a place to unleash the weird peculiarities and fearsome worries that sometimes get locked up in this silly mind of mine.

(left: nature of mind, by alex gray*)

i save these writings for my personal journal. when i go back and read some of these entries, i laugh at how funny and ridiculous some of my worries can be. but sometimes it just takes voicing my feelings and putting them into words and semi-coherent ideas in order to realize how silly and nonsensical they are. and it takes up way more energy to hold those feelings inside than to just let them tumble, or crash, on out.



writing into a place where i know i am understood and accepted unconditionally, i know that i am welcomed and loved. i know that in this enveloping love and acceptance i can find my way again, since almost all imbalances and energy blockages are the result of an absence of divine love. when i remember that i am loved and accepted unconditionally, i regain my intuitive ability to differentiate between the thoughts and things that serve me and those that do not.


***


writing in a blog has been a big leap for me. it's not that i don't feel vulnerable or gaping-open and exposed when i write about personal things, it's that i have come to the realization that we are not separate: that we all experience pain, insecurity, sorrow, revelation, joy and ecstasy, all together, and sharing with others helps me to humble myself in each and every one of these experiences, and to create a wider and deeper space for compassion inside my own heart. i know that if you judge me because of these things, maybe you just have not accepted your emotional or hurting self. i know that when i judge myself, i create a divide that only alienates me from my own self and subsequently from others, and i think that the toxicity in these "down" moments is not the low feelings themselves but the judgments we attach to them.



there's nothing negative about pain, except that we are taught to judge it as such. it's in the deep, dark places that our roots grow, and the deeper they are, the higher our branches can reach towards the sky. these dark, shadow aspects are what make us most powerful, compassionate, grounded, and balanced.


***


any time i despair, or feel alone, sad, scared, angry, i step outside of myself and observe myself from above, from the divine, and this always helps me put it into proper perspective. i see this perspective as my great divine mother, and sometimes even as my dying self reflecting on my own life and telling me how to respond to each situation from this perspective. viewing life as impermanent, and thinking about my "dying self" is not in any way morbid, because for me it is a way of remembering to drink the juices of each moment. it helps me to reflect on how i would wish myself to live if i were on my last few breaths, how i would wish i had lived my life.

i'm with dave matthews... i can't believe that we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spent our living days well, dreaming of things that might've been...

*Love & Light*

self-existing

"One of the gifts of White Dog is the calling in and recognition of other companions of destiny. Other beings with the same longing are waiting to meet and acknowledge you - beings who can see you as you authentically are.

"This is a natural process, divinely designed for recognition through vibrational affinity, freed from personal expectations. White Dog can be seen as an access point for developing relationships with guides, totems, allies and guardians. There are many ways to work with these spiritual guides, including guided visualizations, shamanic journeys, and meditation. A useful construct is viewing them as aspects of yourself, part of your life stream that is asking to be integrated. Remember, there is no 'other'. In this grand adventure, you are being asked to embody all that you are.

"Profound insights are garnered through shared purpose and relationship with others who are willing to be in their truth and integrity about the light and shadow aspects they perceive in themselves.

"The expression of intimacy is a gift of love; the lack of it may be a symptom asking for honest communication and healing. It may also be guiding you to reevaluate your relationship and the purpose it is serving.

"White Dog signals a breakthrough in your life: new beginnings, new perceptions, new allies and friends. As you express more authentically who you are, you draw your true family closer to you.With your guides and companions, you have the ability to manifest your inspired visions and dreams. Recognize the eyes and hearts that spark the remembrance of a sacred trust.

"The harmonic wisdom of White Dog is affinity, the attraction of like vibration or substances for one another. Spiritual affinity is not limited to family kinship - it is part of the natural affinity between companions of destiny. Such companions of are drawn together by the same aligned force that draws iron filings to a magnet. Companions of destiny are drawn togther to do work that is naturally harmonious.

"On the surface at times, it may seem that you have little in common with these companions, yet the attraction remains. This is because Essence Selves are often committed to work together long before they meet in the physical world. This is a natural process of affinity, rather than a process motivated from personal desire. Follow this guidance into your unfoldment within the larger pattern."

everything is exactly as it should be.

fear versus life.

often when you fall in love, people are quick to tell you to "be careful,"

to remind you that you should be afraid and that there is potential danger ahead.

certainly, before any of us have met our match, we have been sifted through a small collection of lovers that have more or less left us with patchworked hearts and a zillion unconscious fears that keep us from loving fully.

this is where i am. i am in love, whilst consciously observing my emotions and intentions and de-conceptualizing my perceptions of love. for i know that what many of us think to be love is not love, it is greed. i now realize though, with help from Osho, that being able to love is not about learning how to love, but unlearning the ways of un-love. falling in love is the only teacher that can help me to face my little demons, and i am steadfast in this journey to let go of all that i am not ~ to fully immerse myself in the swirling pink energy that is encompassing my heart and teaching me the ways of loving unconditionally. love is not for me, it is for life.

despite these little ideas i have about love, i've been watching my subconscious self on this little love-stage, and am taking my emotional reactions as teachers in order to learn where i need to grow. the obstacle i am currently focusing on is fear. every one of my apprehensions about this relationship are related to fear.

so what is fear, anyway? i suppose it is an emotional, instinctual reaction that is created for survival purposes to keep us from harm - to get us out of situations that threaten our well being. when we have been hurt many times after trusting our hearts in the hands of others, our brains create an association that these situations lead to heartbreak, and fear kicks in to remind us of the "danger" ahead. i have been fearful lately because of the intense, heightened level of emotional intimacy that i am experiencing in this new relationship, and i have noticed these warning signs popping up, telling me to hide away in my shell in order to avoid the surrender and subsequent "hurt" that lies ahead.

when following our instincts, it is important to distinguish between those derived from our intuitions and those derived from social conditioning and fear. fear arises to protect our well being, but it also serves the purpose of keeping us exactly where we are, comfortably, and ensures that we do not stray too far from our mundane and ordinary paths. those people who find extreme joy and revelation, who accomplish great things and seek to manifest their dreams, they would not have done so had they listened to their fear.

fear is the opposite of life, of love. love asks that you surrender, let go... dive in head first and trust that the universe will catch you. whichever way the wind blows, you will end up where you're meant to.

trust.

love's unspoken secrets.

my last post seems to have served as a kind of foreshadowing for something later to come. i wrote it right after meeting a sweet prince who showed me a little flickering taste of love's joys and tenderness, and found myself awe-struck at the possibility that such a thing really exists, and that there really are men out there who could be right for me. but there are so many kinds of love.

contrary to what i thought at the time, this was not real love but a playful preview or glimpse of it. a few days after that, i found myself pulled to go away on a spontaneous weekend trip that seemed absolutely necessary, despite the 700 reasons why i really should have stayed home.

on the 8-hour drive to ottawa, us three girls could feel a building of magic and energy that we unconsciously knew was going to lead up to something fantastic and otherworldly. in hindsight we recognize that our intuitions were so incredibly correct. that evening we arrived at the home of a sunshiney group of men who were so warm and welcoming that we immediately knew they were our brothers. then, something started to happen to me.

without conscious effort or awareness, i became drawn to adam as his words and energy slowly hypnotized me into a floaty-blissful stupor that made my body sweat and my eyes and skin twinkle and shine. every idea he brought up in conversation paralleled with those things i had been meditating on in the past few months and had been discussing on the drive up with the ladies. i know that every little part of our individual paths had lead us up to that very moment where we would meet as equals to share a connection stronger than anything my body has ever been accustomed to. the universe had conspired for us to meet. as soon as i felt it, i knew that i had opened the doors to the universe and ever since then it's gifts have been pouring into my life and filling every dark corner of my soul with light. i am soul-iverse.

he is my white overtone world bridger, my higher self and guide. i am his 'little' white self-existing dog, hee hee!
together we are yellow electric warrior; our energies combined will take us on a return path to the stars. alone we are powerful but together, through trust, we journey to the place of 'no time' and limitless light. There we will undergo the transformations to embody solar heart and mind.

http://astrodreamadvisor.com/free_mayan_readings.html

with so much love and a melting-into-eachother connection, we could easily lose ourselves in eachother and it would probably be worth it. however, the temporary distance between us affords us the space to learn to love eachother while pursuing our individual paths and maintaining our own spirit's light, only burning brighter and stronger now that we have found each other's energy within ourselves, and so it can never be lost no matter how distance attempts to deceive us. this is too much of a good thing for it to come that easily.

there is much more to this story, but some of the soul's secrets are too sacred to share; their magic can only be contained and understood in the language of the spirit.

"We were both silent, each waiting for the other to speak, but speech is not the only means of understanding between two souls. It is not the syllables that come from the lips and tongues that bring hearts together.There is something greater and purer than what the mouth utters. Silence illuminates our souls, whispers to our hearts, and brings them together. Silence separates us from ourselves, makes us sail the firmament of spirit, and brings us closer to Heaven; it makes us feel that bodies are no more than prisons and that this world is only a place of exile." -Kahlil Gibran, The Broken Wings

fly on the wall of your heart

come out, come on, come outside.
don't you hide your handsome face from me,
I wanna see you half-lit in the half-light
laughing with the whites of your dark eyes
shining
darkly

way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies

come out, the streets are breathing
heaving green to red to green
come with your nicotine and wine
tambourine keeping time
come and find me in the evening

way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies
way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies

come out, come inspired
you will not come to harm
if I cannot take you for a liar or a lover
I'll take you for my brother in arms

way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies
way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies

~~~~anais mitchell*

*i fell in love :)
i am speechless.