fly on the wall of your heart

come out, come on, come outside.
don't you hide your handsome face from me,
I wanna see you half-lit in the half-light
laughing with the whites of your dark eyes
shining
darkly

way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies

come out, the streets are breathing
heaving green to red to green
come with your nicotine and wine
tambourine keeping time
come and find me in the evening

way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies
way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies

come out, come inspired
you will not come to harm
if I cannot take you for a liar or a lover
I'll take you for my brother in arms

way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies
way over yonder, I'm waiting and wondering
wither your fonder heart lies

~~~~anais mitchell*

*i fell in love :)
i am speechless.

up, up, and away ~

despair, rejection, deep-seated fears of being nothing: empty, hollow. as compared with others who, of course, are something.

that my pain is in some way, fundamentally "different" from everyone else's, that my intrinsic inability to find a sense of self that is permanent and stable means i am forever destined to be alone; afraid.

what is real and what is illusion?

my answer is that i am nothing. but everything is nothing. therefore, nothing is everything. nothing is everything; everything is nothing.

just this morning i realized that my fundamental nothingness is not something to despair or deny, but something to embrace. it is the gateway to becoming everything i want, to being open to every kind of energy that radiates about this universe. that it is all contained within me, and you, and every little thing.

a few months ago in the autumn i wrote to my dear friend scott a reflection on a meditation experience that i would like to share here. scott is a very very dear friend of mine who i am so so blessed to have. :)

October 15, 2008

...*We were doing meditation at the end of class, laying on our backs on our mats in the dark, sweet soft music playing with birds chirping...and I was imagining my soul becoming free from my body and swirling in the wind with the leaves ...then being immersed in ocean water crashing into the shore with the waves, just in time with my in and out breaths. I also imagined myself with the singing birds perched atop a tree branch in the mornings after sleep, ready again to join my friends and enjoy the morning sun with bird song!! All of it, the seasons, the turning of the tide, the ebb and flow of nature, reminded me of how we as people also move in this way, through joy and sorrow or love and hatred...never staying in one emotion or state for very long and only with the promise that it will go but that it will also return in time. Mmmmm... and it reminded me to revel in the moment and to just 'be' the emotion I'm feeling without getting attached, yet to immerse myself in it like the leaves tumble across the ground with the wind, soon to settle and experience something new. I have never experienced anything like this in meditation. I found myself smiling over and over again, and thinking also how in some way it may seem sad that the leaves are falling off the trees to die...but when they do they get to tumble about the ground as if they are dancing and moving freely without being bound to the earth (or well the tree) any longer...I guess it was my first really personal experience with the idea of death and yet understanding how intimately life and death are related. Osho (from a book I am reading) says that you cannot love life until you love death. I always had trouble with that but now I think I'm starting to understand*...

"I believe in everything, nothing is sacred. I believe in nothing, everything is sacred."

-Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

"When a dewdrop slips from a lotus leaf into the ocean it does not find that it is part of the ocean, it finds it is the ocean. And to find it is the ultimate goal, the ultimate realization. There is nothing beyond it."

-Osho

la lune.

I had a really excellent yoga class last night. I'm talkin' dripping sweat, can't stand in downward-dog-cause-your-mat's-too-slippery, can-barely-move-the-next-day good. I love playing the why-I-love-yoga game; my list of reasons changes and expands daily, but today I am especially loving the dose of humility it brings me, and the way my practice allows me to open my eyes to my own ability for growth and change over time. Last night's yoga + my sister visiting from Barrie = a smiley me. She had an early engagement today so we had a little breakfast of raisin bread, bananas and tea and I played her Joanna Newsom's The Milk-Eyed Mender while helping her deal with her (incredibly long) hair. (Right now all I'm thinking is mmmmm... raisin bread.)

After she left, I got all gung-ho about my blog and started to customize it with all these little gadget-thingers...what fun! I'm just gonna put it out there: the internet friggin' rocks. My love for it may be bordering on addiction, but I figure it's better than watching tv. You know those times that you just feel good, not necessarily about anything in general but just, positive, excited? In those moments all I can say to express it is..... I LOVE.

Don't get the wrong impression here. I'm not positive or happy all the time. But I'm learning not to get all hung-up-running when my emotions dip into sadness, anxiety, fear, anger and so on. My tendency is usually to run around in my brain all the possible reasons for said "negative" emotions, desperately trying to make them go away--which I think may just be breeding confusion about emotions that are natural, rather than just letting them flow. On the other hands, sometimes emotional reactions can be manifestations of deeper psychological issues, which I believe are worth exploring.

Fierce Moon: this is about me finding my roots in my wild-goddess-self, my ultra-feminine fierceness, rather than suffocating under the superimposed, socially-conceived conceptions of what I, as a woman, should be. The moon is a significant symbol of the feminine, and planetary influence for me both as a cancer sign and a woman, and I am all about embracing and loving my womanhood, and yours too. Feminism is not about man-hating, it is about woman-loving. "Feminists" do not hate men; rather, they seek to change the male-dominated systems that structure our world. Ever since I was a child I had always thought that I had to be nice, that I had to do the nice thing. If someone did me wrong, being nice and forgiving was the way to deal with it. My feelings have changed a lot since then, and I want this new chapter to be all about letting go of those expectations and listening to my inner Kali, my own feminine strength and power that has been lying dormant all these years. Kindness and forgiveness are important, but so is assertiveness.

This is about finding a balance; being my authentic self.

sweet-honey hues of love

the secret life of bees is one of my favourite fiction novels. it was recently made into a film, but the book is oh-so-much better. it's a lovely read about the healing and transformative powers of love; one of those that leaves you feeling snuggled-cozy with positivity and the possibility for change.

..::in this little blog i tend to write a lot about self-improvement, my funny little thoughts and wannabe-pearls-of-wisdom. usually when i write about something, it is following some huge epiphany i've just had that is the result of me finally finding my way out of a maze after making a bazillion wrong turns and hitting walls. the thing is, i'm only out of one little maze within a maze within another maze within another one, and that will probably continue to exist until the day i die, and that is life...i think. and the chances are that i will probably find myself moseying about in that same conundrum again a month later, until i remember that i know how to get out. i'm silly like that.

and as with love, i guess the reason i'm all about it is because i need it so, and lucky for me, i have so many amazing people in my life who fill me up with so much of it that i begin overflowing with it, and thus have so much to give. so...you can thank them. hmmm... maybe the way we give love away is like the way a mailperson delivers letters, except the sender and recipient are not necessarily specified (or are they?!?!)... maybe not such a good analogy, but this is the way my mind works. haha. maybe we just soak up all different energies from the universe and carry it around with us, channeling it into art, music, exchanges with others...a continuous flow of energy. unfortunately it's not always positive, but it's real nonetheless, and the process is pretty amazing if you look at it that way.

something that is rather new to me is the concept of self-love. at first it was such a far-out idea for me that i couldn't do it. eventually i learned to give myself love by imagining the way i would give someone else love...and by doing that i felt like i was channeling in to some kind of shared supply that we all have access to, if we believe in it, and felt washed over with this feeling of oneness that felt so... primitive and cosmic. but even this requires that we have positive relationships and experiences with others that lend themselves to this type of feeling, that we know what love feels like, and well... that's kind of what the secret life of bees is all about.

anyway, without any further ado, i would like to post the quote that i logged on here to share with you. it's from the book, and i hope you enjoy it.

"I hadn't been out to the hives before, so to start off she gave me a lesson in what she called 'bee yard etiquette.' She reminded me that the world was one really big bee yard, and the same rules worked fine in both places: Don't be afraid, as no life-loving bee wants to sting you. Still, don't be an idiot; wear long sleeves and long pants. Don't swat. Don't even think about swatting. If you feel angry, whistle. Anger agitates, while whistling melts a bee's temper. Act like you know what you're doing, even if you don't. Above all, send the bees love. Every little thing wants to be loved." -Sue Monk Kidd

a slice of humble pie.

tonight i had the chance to come face-to-face with some [constructive] criticism, from someone other than myself... which was much-needed, i've decided. it's funny to think that people actually read this stuff, and nice to have someone around to tell me when i'm wrong.

thanks for that.

i think that one of the reasons i want to help people is because i have a great deal of tolerance for people suffering from various personal troubles: i have been an emotional basketcase for most of my life, and have probably spent more of my energy analyzing and reflecting on the work of my mind than on anything else. but along with my empathy for others comes this subconscious expectation that others should be able to recover from similar experiences using the same routes that i have. sometimes i can get a little too preach-y, and the end result is that the person just feels worse because my attempts have left them feeling as though they don't have the resources to solve their own problems. f$%k, i wish i didn't do that. i really don't mean to be condescending. i have to remind myself regularly that sometimes wisdom is knowing when not to speak.

i guess that's the risk you take when you log in one of these public blogs: that you may offend someone with the way you say things, and get in trouble... especially when the very important nonverbal element of communication is absent. it's unavoidable, really, and there's no way i can truthfully speak my mind without stirring up some kind of objection. that being said, i really appreciate being challenged and having someone give that creeping ego of mine a slap on the wrist. sometimes i don't even know that my ego is involved until it is assaulted, and man i hate admitting that i'm on an ego trip, but always feel thankful for the humility vibe that reminds me where i really stand.

so thanks, you.

this little light of mine...

All right, it's time for a rant.

I am not dumb, naïve, ignorant, or crazy. Well, maybe a little crazy-- but even so I would consider that one of my positive traits. But this is something I really need to express because I want to use this feeling productively rather than repress it and allow it to turn to anger.

Okay, so: the world is in bad shape and good old-fashioned morality has taken a backseat to greed, power, image and the ol' dollar sign. Yeah, it sucks. Big time. People have learned to devote so much importance and value to their individual lives that many no longer feel a need or obligation to take the well-being of others or the environment into consideration when making personal choices. Those who are mindful and aware of this look upon the state of our society with shame, and I am one of those people. I understand your cynicism, and I feel your disgust.

There is also a lot of garbage in our minds. (garbage=negativity, apathy, falsehoods, etc.). Not only are we accepting of the poisons in the air but we are accepting of the poisons in our brains, and the funny thing is that many of the poisons in our brains drive us to allow the (literal and metaphorical) poisons in the air to continue. I see these problems, I know that we need a change. Somehow people have come to the conclusion that the best way to respond to these social ills is to participate in the fiasco by adopting negative attitudes, while looking upon optimism and happiness as a by-product of ignorance, blindness or naïveté. I encourage you to change your perspective: to consider that someone who is able to find happiness amidst the whole worldly mess may just be smarter than the cynics, touched with wisdom and a vision of something greater than the physical world as we perceive it.

This kind of disposition is something that I strive for. I see the greed, I see the tragedy, I see the violence. But what difference does it make to assimilate ourselves with everyone else, in shock and horror, allowing these feelings to kill our spirits and taint our interactions with others, interactions with such potential for meaning, affection, and change? Change is a loaded word these days. It begins with you. If our thoughts are clouds, then accept them, let them rain a little if you will (cuz we know our eyes must do some rainin' if we're ever gonna grow (thank you bright eyes)) and let them pass... let the sunshine through. If we hold on to all the thoughts, the negative messages, the dark stormy clouds overcasting the light, we have no hope of finding happiness, seeing the sunshine. Can you dig it?

"Reality is subjective, and there is an unenlightened tendency in this culture to regard something as "important" only if it is sober, drab and severe.When you're unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly LIKE themselves, they don't think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up because it means he has to stop dwelling on himself and start paying attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence." -Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

om shanti shanti shanti

b-l-i-s-s.

for some experiences there are no words. at one time i thought this was my own inability to articulate, but now i know it is because those experiences be the most divine, the most transcendental, the most blissful. they are beyond the symbology of language and cut across that barrier which often divides us.

in honour~i will expand on moments of emptiness and fill them with love so that they may grow. i will share my wealth with others especially if it is joy, and know that i can only burn brighter by sharing that which makes me shine.

i am thankful for today's hot pink setting sun, and for this toothy canvas of a planet upon which natural and breathtaking beauty manifests itself every day. may we see this beauty as a reflection of our own and regard ourselves and others as beautiful for what we are.

after everything i have learned thus far, i can only say with absolute certainty that my greatest purpose in this life is to love, and to spread and share what i have found with everyone and everything that i can. i may not see my beliefs and ideals reflected around me but i will give them life through my own actions. in the words of mr. robbins, "if you want to change the world, you must change yourself." or in the words of mr. gandhi "you must be the change you wish to see in the world".

may you look within and find your own peace, and know your own heart to be your compass.

.:namaste:.*