my heart is heavy with love for you,
that i am afraid i must withhold.
i don't know if i can trust myself, for my expression is more than just a freeing of the delicate bird living in this cage.
it is a request for a home within your heart, and, an offer to make a home for you within mine, again.
no one else has moved in since you left,
and, to be honest,
i really do not think i will ever want to share the secret spaces of this heart-home with anyone other than you.
i've never wanted to have to draw a map for anyone, and you never needed one.
that's how i know that you belong here.
is it possible that i could love you so much, that i don't even want to tell you for fear that the re-opening of that storybook could perhaps be to your detriment?
i know that the story is not over, and i am not one to leave stories unfinished.
but can you forgive me for postponing the unfolding of its pages?
you know i always fall asleep in the middle of these things.
so now i dance to my heart's song on tip-toes.
i want to tell you how beautiful you are to me every day.
i want to learn to see God in everything as i discover beauty in unexpected places within you.
i want to merge our inner worlds, hold hands and squish our bare toes into the muddy paths of our hearts during life's rainstorms.
i want to believe for myself that i am as beautiful as you've always known,
and i want to witness love's bounty by burning through my resistance to your love.
for in this purification i know i will find and know only my truest self, my home, my haven, my heart.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
a conversation with my higher self
Sometimes when I am struggling with an odd or uncomfortable feeling or emotion, I need to sit down and have a conversation with myself. I always thought that the answers I found in these moments miraculously came from within me, but now I see that it is all coming through me, as I align myself with the One Universal Mind. It makes much more sense to me now, to understand that all of this wisdom I somehow just happened to have came from my all-knowing, higher self, and from my angels.
This morning I needed a little guidance, so I opened up my journal and put pen to paper. The message that came out is something that I have learned many times before, but seemed to have forgotten. It's funny, though, because this message was written with my hand but it felt like it was being directed to me, from...me, and yet, from something greater. My higher self. When I clear my mind, all the answers I need are available to me as long as I ask for them and quietly listen. And I think that writing is one of my clearest channels for receiving these messages. Here is the message I received today.
Most importantly: accept what you feel, and accept yourself for feeling it. Do not judge yourself. Emotions happen; they are fluid and ever-changing, always in motion. Rejecting them creates dissonance and fear because it alienates you from yourself and your experience. Instead, lovingly look the emotion in the eye and ask what it has come to teach you. Learn to love each and every emotion you experience, because it will likely return to you again sometime, and it is better to flow through it and see its blessings and lessons than to force it to leave and fear its return.
Approach your emotions and your weeds with love and curiosity, and without judgment; without getting attached or worrying that they are permanent. Trust in the process of life and know that all is well. Bask in the perfect love that is you, right now.
One perfect love in every moment.
Om shanti*~
This morning I needed a little guidance, so I opened up my journal and put pen to paper. The message that came out is something that I have learned many times before, but seemed to have forgotten. It's funny, though, because this message was written with my hand but it felt like it was being directed to me, from...me, and yet, from something greater. My higher self. When I clear my mind, all the answers I need are available to me as long as I ask for them and quietly listen. And I think that writing is one of my clearest channels for receiving these messages. Here is the message I received today.
Most importantly: accept what you feel, and accept yourself for feeling it. Do not judge yourself. Emotions happen; they are fluid and ever-changing, always in motion. Rejecting them creates dissonance and fear because it alienates you from yourself and your experience. Instead, lovingly look the emotion in the eye and ask what it has come to teach you. Learn to love each and every emotion you experience, because it will likely return to you again sometime, and it is better to flow through it and see its blessings and lessons than to force it to leave and fear its return.
Approach your emotions and your weeds with love and curiosity, and without judgment; without getting attached or worrying that they are permanent. Trust in the process of life and know that all is well. Bask in the perfect love that is you, right now.
One perfect love in every moment.
Om shanti*~
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
home-sick.
Sometimes when I think of you, I wonder about the world on the other side of the door we did not open. Will we open that door some other time, in a far off future, another dimension than this, complete what we started on that luminous night? There is more to say, though we have not the language. There is more to see, though we have not the eyes. There is more to love, though we have not the heart....
As yet, my love. As yet. For I believe in the power of love, and the magnetic draw of planets to their orbits. And you are drawn to encircle me as I am drawn to encircle you. Encircle each other we will forever, for our orbits are bound to one another's pull. The central sun has determined that, and its light, however dim or however bright, however central to our vision or merely peripheral and at times ignored, shall always call us back to our hearts. And back at home, in the haven of love, we will always find each other. I will be there, if only for a moment, and I will say to you, each and every time, "I remember, my darling. This is home to me."
~Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love
As yet, my love. As yet. For I believe in the power of love, and the magnetic draw of planets to their orbits. And you are drawn to encircle me as I am drawn to encircle you. Encircle each other we will forever, for our orbits are bound to one another's pull. The central sun has determined that, and its light, however dim or however bright, however central to our vision or merely peripheral and at times ignored, shall always call us back to our hearts. And back at home, in the haven of love, we will always find each other. I will be there, if only for a moment, and I will say to you, each and every time, "I remember, my darling. This is home to me."
~Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Love a Woman
Well... it has been quite a while since I have shared on my blog. I think it's time for a new, wee entry. YAY! I have missed you, bloggie.
I logged on here because I wanted to post a beautiful, touching poem that was forwarded to me yesterday by an amazing soul friend I have named Shane. Of course, this poem came at the perfect time, and contains within it many lessons for me that are astoundingly appropriate for the things I am learning right now. My angels told me to pay close attentions to signs and divine guidance, and I thank Mr. Shane for listening to his intuition and sending this to me... he is a wonderful spirit messenger!
We often think that the only relationships worth having are the easy ones, the ones in which it's always easy for us to love the person, easy to communicate, easy to connect, easy to understand. We only want people in our lives with whom we feel good, valued, and who make us feel as special as we know we are. I know that I once had this perception. What I have been learning lately is that many of the challenges we find in our relationships; the issues we recognize in other people - are our lessons. Every relationship has a purpose, and in the face of such challenges we have the choice of either finding and healing a part of ourselves, or ignoring and losing a part of ourselves. What I mean by this is, every little thing that is hard for us to deal with in others is almost always something within ourselves that we are unable to love and accept unconditionally, and when we hit a wound like this, it often feels impossible to love any more. When we find this in a relationship, we are given the opportunity to find that part of ourselves, cradle it in our gentle hands, tell it we love and accept it, and, if necessary, release it to our divine healing light.
I do not mean that we must take responsibility for everything that other people do that may be hurtful or misguided, but that we DO need to take responsibility for our own feelings in response to it. I hope this is making sense! hehe.
So, why all this, what's going on with me? Well, I have begun to really appreciate how blessed I am to have the most beautiful, amazing man in my life who has loved me right from the start, through and through, and continues to love me unconditionally even though we are no longer "together" in the traditional sense of the word. I don't know how and when our relationship will change form, what it is becoming, what any of this means, but I am following my heart, knowing that it is guided by a force that keeps the planets aligned. Surely it can lead this little heart-moon-beam to the people who will grow most beautifully with her blessings, and from whose blessings she will also grow. Surely, there is a divine plan for her that is so much grander than anything her human mind could conjure. Surely, God would not tell her that she has this beautiful, wonderful purpose without taking care of the "how". I trust in my heart, I trust in the abundance of the universe, and I trust in the knowingness and lovingness of All-That-Is.
For the most wonderful man I know, who proves to me every day that it is possible to be made completely of light and love, this poem:::
If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.
If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.
If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.
If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.
If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.
What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?
If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.
-Lisa Citore
*Love & Light* ~ Angel Blessings ~
I logged on here because I wanted to post a beautiful, touching poem that was forwarded to me yesterday by an amazing soul friend I have named Shane. Of course, this poem came at the perfect time, and contains within it many lessons for me that are astoundingly appropriate for the things I am learning right now. My angels told me to pay close attentions to signs and divine guidance, and I thank Mr. Shane for listening to his intuition and sending this to me... he is a wonderful spirit messenger!
We often think that the only relationships worth having are the easy ones, the ones in which it's always easy for us to love the person, easy to communicate, easy to connect, easy to understand. We only want people in our lives with whom we feel good, valued, and who make us feel as special as we know we are. I know that I once had this perception. What I have been learning lately is that many of the challenges we find in our relationships; the issues we recognize in other people - are our lessons. Every relationship has a purpose, and in the face of such challenges we have the choice of either finding and healing a part of ourselves, or ignoring and losing a part of ourselves. What I mean by this is, every little thing that is hard for us to deal with in others is almost always something within ourselves that we are unable to love and accept unconditionally, and when we hit a wound like this, it often feels impossible to love any more. When we find this in a relationship, we are given the opportunity to find that part of ourselves, cradle it in our gentle hands, tell it we love and accept it, and, if necessary, release it to our divine healing light.
I do not mean that we must take responsibility for everything that other people do that may be hurtful or misguided, but that we DO need to take responsibility for our own feelings in response to it. I hope this is making sense! hehe.
So, why all this, what's going on with me? Well, I have begun to really appreciate how blessed I am to have the most beautiful, amazing man in my life who has loved me right from the start, through and through, and continues to love me unconditionally even though we are no longer "together" in the traditional sense of the word. I don't know how and when our relationship will change form, what it is becoming, what any of this means, but I am following my heart, knowing that it is guided by a force that keeps the planets aligned. Surely it can lead this little heart-moon-beam to the people who will grow most beautifully with her blessings, and from whose blessings she will also grow. Surely, there is a divine plan for her that is so much grander than anything her human mind could conjure. Surely, God would not tell her that she has this beautiful, wonderful purpose without taking care of the "how". I trust in my heart, I trust in the abundance of the universe, and I trust in the knowingness and lovingness of All-That-Is.
For the most wonderful man I know, who proves to me every day that it is possible to be made completely of light and love, this poem:::
If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.
If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.
If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.
If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.
If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.
What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?
If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.
-Lisa Citore
*Love & Light* ~ Angel Blessings ~
Sunday, January 17, 2010
heart-change
Spirit in motion,
those meddling hands
have rearranged the pieces,
and I can’t understand
why things are changing,
which way I should go
it all felt so perfect,
but now I don’t know
where my path leads me,
for something has changed
now the idea of us, together
feels strange
Perhaps it’s my ego,
could that be the cause?
Or is it just my habit,
to find myself flawed?
I need to stop repressing
and honour how I feel
resistance and denial, I know
won’t change what’s real
so spirit whispers in my ear,
that I must speak my truth,
with no attachment to outcome
so I speak, unattached and aloof
see, part of me is still with you
but part has gone astray
‘part‘ is not enough for us, though
‘part’ is not okay
we must bid farewell that heart-held dream
and go on our own separate ways
reminded, again, that nothing is permanent
yet crying for love that stays
I know that I must seem distant and callous,
but it’s not compassion I lack
it hurts so much that when you most need me
I can’t help from turning my back
I cry when I cradle your feelings
but I know they don’t change what is real
in time I know we will understand,
in time, I know we will heal
for now, though, I let the pain fill me up
open my heart, let it out, and rest
despite the pain, I know following my heart
for both of us, is best.
I’ll never regret that we fell so hard
into love with our souls shining bright
I am grateful for love, whether it comes to visit
for a season, a reason, or a night.
those meddling hands
have rearranged the pieces,
and I can’t understand
why things are changing,
which way I should go
it all felt so perfect,
but now I don’t know
where my path leads me,
for something has changed
now the idea of us, together
feels strange
Perhaps it’s my ego,
could that be the cause?
Or is it just my habit,
to find myself flawed?
I need to stop repressing
and honour how I feel
resistance and denial, I know
won’t change what’s real
so spirit whispers in my ear,
that I must speak my truth,
with no attachment to outcome
so I speak, unattached and aloof
see, part of me is still with you
but part has gone astray
‘part‘ is not enough for us, though
‘part’ is not okay
we must bid farewell that heart-held dream
and go on our own separate ways
reminded, again, that nothing is permanent
yet crying for love that stays
I know that I must seem distant and callous,
but it’s not compassion I lack
it hurts so much that when you most need me
I can’t help from turning my back
I cry when I cradle your feelings
but I know they don’t change what is real
in time I know we will understand,
in time, I know we will heal
for now, though, I let the pain fill me up
open my heart, let it out, and rest
despite the pain, I know following my heart
for both of us, is best.
I’ll never regret that we fell so hard
into love with our souls shining bright
I am grateful for love, whether it comes to visit
for a season, a reason, or a night.
Friday, May 8, 2009
things that make me smiley and twinkley-eyed
in the spirit of gratitude, i plan to begin my days with a meditative appreciation of the little things that make me happy.
in honour of a lovely friend-soul that just passed away two days ago, *miss beth* i have vowed to use my energy to focus on the gifts and sunshine in my life.
1. my friend will's beautiful music. check it: http://www.myspace.com/willfournier
2. people like will who remind us that we are free, connected, beautiful, and here to love each other.
3. kombucha. being slightly afraid of the little kombucha organism bobbing around in the tea, and then swallowing it anyways! :O
4. my little amethyst friends who hang out in my bedroom and keep everything fresh and clear. and all my other little crystal children too!
5. dirty bare feet.
*love & light*
in honour of a lovely friend-soul that just passed away two days ago, *miss beth* i have vowed to use my energy to focus on the gifts and sunshine in my life.
1. my friend will's beautiful music. check it: http://www.myspace.com/willfournier
2. people like will who remind us that we are free, connected, beautiful, and here to love each other.
3. kombucha. being slightly afraid of the little kombucha organism bobbing around in the tea, and then swallowing it anyways! :O
4. my little amethyst friends who hang out in my bedroom and keep everything fresh and clear. and all my other little crystal children too!
5. dirty bare feet.
*love & light*
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
*ker-plunK*
sometimes i just need an outlet. even if i'm not necessarily being creative, or productive, or positive, it's important for me to have a place to unleash the weird peculiarities and fearsome worries that sometimes get locked up in this silly mind of mine.
(left: nature of mind, by alex gray*)
writing into a place where i know i am understood and accepted unconditionally, i know that i am welcomed and loved. i know that in this enveloping love and acceptance i can find my way again, since almost all imbalances and energy blockages are the result of an absence of divine love. when i remember that i am loved and accepted unconditionally, i regain my intuitive ability to differentiate between the thoughts and things that serve me and those that do not.
***
writing in a blog has been a big leap for me. it's not that i don't feel vulnerable or gaping-open and exposed when i write about personal things, it's that i have come to the realization that we are not separate: that we all experience pain, insecurity, sorrow, revelation, joy and ecstasy, all together, and sharing with others helps me to humble myself in each and every one of these experiences, and to create a wider and deeper space for compassion inside my own heart. i know that if you judge me because of these things, maybe you just have not accepted your emotional or hurting self. i know that when i judge myself, i create a divide that only alienates me from my own self and subsequently from others, and i think that the toxicity in these "down" moments is not the low feelings themselves but the judgments we attach to them.
there's nothing negative about pain, except that we are taught to judge it as such. it's in the deep, dark places that our roots grow, and the deeper they are, the higher our branches can reach towards the sky. these dark, shadow aspects are what make us most powerful, compassionate, grounded, and balanced.
***
any time i despair, or feel alone, sad, scared, angry, i step outside of myself and observe myself from above, from the divine, and this always helps me put it into proper perspective. i see this perspective as my great divine mother, and sometimes even as my dying self reflecting on my own life and telling me how to respond to each situation from this perspective. viewing life as impermanent, and thinking about my "dying self" is not in any way morbid, because for me it is a way of remembering to drink the juices of each moment. it helps me to reflect on how i would wish myself to live if i were on my last few breaths, how i would wish i had lived my life.
i'm with dave matthews... i can't believe that we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spent our living days well, dreaming of things that might've been...
*Love & Light*
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